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Court Humour

Some of the most funny things happen in courts, and here is a great long list of some of the best that will make you fall off your chair laughing!

Judge: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shi*t*ng me?

Judge: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Judge: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Judge: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different Judge.
Can I get a new Judge?

Judge: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.

Judge: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
Judge: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

Judge: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Judge: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Judge: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Judge: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Judge: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Judge: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Judge: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

Judge: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Judge: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Judge: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Judge: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

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